also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
