Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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