The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
