i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
