I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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