I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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