I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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