I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize