When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
