When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
