I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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