It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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