I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
