it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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