I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
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Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER