omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.