so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
