i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
