I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
