At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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