Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
