You surviving the open bar?
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So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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