I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
