So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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