You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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