I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
