i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
