oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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