I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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