Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i dont even know how to be here
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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