I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
