Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The power of my boobs compel you
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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