just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
