woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
