I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
