Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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