he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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