Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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