MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
