I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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