Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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