ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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