An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My penis needs a shock collar
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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