Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
