what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
