I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
