i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
