Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
