I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
