All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There r osticjed everywhere
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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