wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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