I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
