right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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