I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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