Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
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At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
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I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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