My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
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The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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