I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
