I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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