watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
