My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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