I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We left the knife in your bed.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
